Friday, December 16, 2011


Wooo! + Woozy

1. To be in a state of drunkenness in which everything seems worthy of "Wooo!"-ing at. Commonly occurring in sorority girls.

Ex. It took a mere 2 Natty Ice's (thanks to an empty stomach) to catapult Cassie onto a woooozy crusade of cheering on every face-sucking couple, puking jock or generally existent human being in the Alpha Beta Gamma house.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Carol + Cacophony

1. An awful, grating sound emanating from your ugly sweater donning neighbors at your front door. Usually around Christmas time.

Ex. Evelyn thought the cat might be stuck in the dryer again but quickly realized the awful shrieking was actually her neighbors, Chris and Kris, attempting "Holy Night" in front of the apartment next door. She quickly shut all the lights and clicked off the TV in an attempt to dodge the inevitable carolcophony barreling her way.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Lament + Mentor

1. A regrettable adviser.

Ex. "Look, Joey, I know you've heard I'm a 'lamentor' but I'm the most fun med student in the program and I can drink any of the third years under the table. I don't know much about Organic Chemistry but I know about sexual chemistry, and really, what else matters?"

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Desperate + Present

A gift that is undesirable but necessary to be chosen because of an imminent deadline.

Ex. "Wow, Dan, thank you for giving me the bottle of handsoap...from the bathroom...that I refilled last week. I guess it's better than your last despresent - the dog's collar disguised as a bracelet."

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Drunk + Uncle

Come on, SNL, you're making this too easy.

Monday, December 5, 2011


Phonetic + Fanatic
noun, adjective

1. One who is overly concerned with the pronunciation of words.
2. One who is obsessed with the
Vietnamese noodle soup, pho.
3. One who is overly concerned with the correct pronunciation of the word "pho" as "fuh."

Ex. "I hate to sound like a phonatic, but if someone asks me where the 'liberry' is I automatically think, You? Going to the library? I appreciate the effort but you'll need to learn how to read first if it's going to be of any use."

Today's portmanteau submitted by Nathan T.! Submit your own!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Coordination + Whore

1. An instance when females dress in a very similar and provocative fashion.


Ex. 2 (the literal interpretation):

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Holidays + Dazed

1. Feeling a foggy stupor which descends around the latter part of the year.

Ex. "Ever since Thanksgiving, Maria has seemed really holidazed; She wanders aimlessly through the cubicles humming Christmas carols and mumbling under her breath about's rush shipping options."

Monday, November 28, 2011


Pen Pals + Enemies

1. Two or more people who write to one another (probably out of obligation) who do not like one another. The opposite of a pen pal.

Ex. "Dear Stanley,
I was thoroughly upset by your last correspondence which implied that you fancied a night alone with both my mother and sister but Mrs. Applebaum is forcing me to write you so that I may practice my cursive.
My, I'll be good at those capital D's by the end of this.
Rot in hell,

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Tryptophan + Fun
adjective, noun

1. A happy, drunk feeling which follows the ingestion of a large amount of turkey.

Ex. Every year, Grandma gets more and more tryptofun as Thanksgiving day wears on. By 8:00 she's lounging in her underwear while singing along with Glee reruns.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

PilGrim Reaper

[pil-grim ree-per]
Pilgrim + Grim Reaper

1. A European settler whose arrival in the New World meant almost certain death for the native population.

Ex. Let's all gather 'round this beautiful Thanksgiving feast to honor our forefathers, the PilGrim Reapers, who plundered this land and diseased its people so that we may have plenty of room for NASCAR tracks and fast food restaurants. Cheers!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Zealot + Relative

1. A person connected through blood or marriage who exhibits far too much enthusiasm about some insignificant phenomenon to be considered sane.

Ex. Every year, Graham dreaded his annual Thanksgiving encounter with Aunt Doreen. She was by far the most tiresome zealotive of the family, known to blather on for hours about her fervor for rubber stamping.

Monday, November 21, 2011


Frank + Thanksgiving

1. An overly honest and open exchange between relatives at the Thanksgiving table.

Ex. "I appreciate the concern, Aunt Jo, but I really just haven't found the right girl to bring Thanksgiving yet."
"Timmy, let's cut the crap. You're gayer than that pale pink Martha Stewart cakestand you brought with you today. You bringing a girl to Thanksgiving is gonna happen about as soon as your mother and I sleep in the same bedroom. Never."

Friday, November 18, 2011


Absinthe + Synthesizer

1. An electronic instrument that generates such kickass, trippy sounds that one feels as if they are experiencing an absinthe-induced hallucination.

Ex. DJ Ricky Ricardo was so proud to unveil his newest creation at Club Spooof that night and it certainly lived up to his expectations; the sounds pulsing from his lime green monstrosity, "the absynthesizer," made the girls go literally wild as they tried to scratch their way out through the pleather walls.

Today's portmanteau submitted by @tabsinthe! Submit your own!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Inappropriate + Promotion

1. An awkward or questionable advertising campaign.
2. An undeserved or strange advancement in one's occupational position.

Ex. I appreciated the Pepto Bismol reps dropping off the many, many bags of groceries at our food bank until I realized it might be a bit of an inappromotion to deliver food while simultaneously singing a tune about
nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Bizarre + Reality + Theme

1. A strange, oddly specific theme that seems to be appearing in all reality TV shows.

Ex. Somehow TLC had combined all the dominant bizarrealithemes of the moment with their new show called, "Crack Addicted Polygamist Cupcake Extraordinaires!...Oh Yeah, They're Little People, Too!"

Monday, November 14, 2011


Shit + Situation

1. A set of circumstances that has become more serious, dire or unpleasant because of the presence of fecal matter.

Ex. Tammy was less than pleasantly surprised when the minivan door slid back to reveal a real shituation - two 3-year olds sans diapers and covered in a sticky, brown substance.

2. A state of affairs which has completely fallen apart or become disastrous.

Ex. The arrival of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino at my little cousin's 13th birthday party really ruined the fun-loving mood and turned the dancefloor into a complete shituation.

3. A quandary involving a bathroom.

Ex. Abigail found herself in quite the difficult shituation when she realized she was on the exact same bowel moving schedule as her boss, Moira. Nearly everyday she had to awkwardly gaze at the same pair of shoes under the divider or if she was just a couple minutes late, there was a potent stench cloud to be endured throughout her own session.

Today's portmanteau submitted by Shak M.! Submit your own!

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Irony + Rooney

1. An action or saying by Andy Rooney which is now ironic after his death.

Ex. "Not sleeping is not my problem." - Andy Rooney

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Gastronomy + Astronaut

A person trained for spaceflight and unwilling to compromise their high food standards.
2. (100 years from now) A person who travels via space shuttle in the pursuit of finding fine food in the far corners of the universe.

Ex. Always the gastronaut, Neil had packed plenty of his favorites for this mission; "Jane, can you hand me a packet of freeze dried cranberry duck confit and a couple rations of miso-dusted, roasted fingerling potatoes? Please don't add the lemon tarragon dressing to the string bean salad though - there was a clog in the toilet earlier and I'm wary of all floating, yellow droplets now."

Today's portmanteau submitted by @ibtauris! Submit your own!

Monday, November 7, 2011


Check + Sexist

1. A restaurant server who
specifically offers the bill to the male member of a couple or group. In extreme cases they will return the credit card slip or change to the male member even after being given payment by the female.


1. Describing or pertaining to the above tip-forsaking ass.

Ex. A creepy chill went down Margo's spine when the chexist waiter handed the credit card (clearly printed with her name) back to her step-father and pounded his own chest in a gesture of "go hit that" solidarity. So wrong, in so many ways.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Meme + Memories

1. A cultural phenomenon that spread via YouTube, an email chain or some other internet outlet a long time ago.

Ex. "It was so nice to read through Maggie's babybook and remember that first time she was ever Rickrolled and how terrified she was the first time she watched the Numa Numa video. Ah, the wonderful meme-ories!"

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Black Furday

[blak fur-dey]
Black Friday + Fur

1. The day after Thanksgiving, for someone who is
braving the 4AM retail hoards while simultaneously celebrating the new trend of "No Shave November."

Ex. Even the 75% off sale at Victoria's Secret couldn't make up for the agony of having to witness Gretchen try on multiple, skimpy thongs on Black Furday.

Monday, October 31, 2011


Kardashian + Catastrophe

1. A major disaster that will undoubtedly garner national media attention and involves a member of the Kardashian family. Historical examples include sex tape scandals, marriages that end before the boutonnieres have wilted and acquittals of blatantly guilty, celebrity murderers.
2. Any major decision made by Kim Kardashian without the oversight of her mother and handlers...eventually.

Ex. "Did you hear about the latest Kardashtrophe?" "Of course, I did! I'm so glad Kylie is finally getting a share of the attention even if it's because she accidentally sold her best friend into slavery and got a multi-million dollar contract to have a reality show about it."

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Bicker + Fickle

1. to change viewpoint throughout a petty argument in order to keep it going.

Ex. "Do you realize that a mere 5 minutes ago you ardently insisted that Honeycrisp were the best tasting apples in existence and now you're passionately campaigning for Fuji? You're just bickling because you have nothing else to do today - do you even like apples?!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Ginger + Jerk

1. A person of the red hair and pale skin variety who acts like a jackass.
2. Most red-headed people.

Ex. Patrick really cemented his reputation as a gingerk when he let out a loud, juicy fart halfway through Mass on Sunday and followed it up with a devilish giggle. The two altar boys seated behind his lectern nearly fainted from the fumes.

Monday, October 24, 2011


Bouquet + Mayhem

1. A state of chaos at a wedding when female participants push, maim or injure one another in an attempt to catch the bride's bouquet.

Ex. "It was absolute bouquethem out there. I had to tackle Tanya, rip out a chunk of Susie's hair and clothesline Jane for this lousy bunch of carnations. At least someone will marry me now!"

Thursday, October 20, 2011


Coincidence + Winston

1. An instance when one believes they have coined a great, important saying only to find out it was already spoken by Winston Churchill.

Ex. "What a cowinstondence! You think you invented that whole '
even fools are right sometimes' thing but really you're just a fool who misquotes Winston Churchill."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Kebab + Burp

1. The smelliest of all human-produced belches, it results from the digestion of roasted, rotated, stacked meat.

Ex. Bill's keburp was a vile odor that seemed to instantly permeate the room, causing Christy to question its origin, its duration and the meaning of her own life. Its lingering fortitude nearly caused her own falafel platter to make a repeat appearance in her mouth.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Thesis + Sissy

1. One who acts like a coward, pansy or little girl as a result of their pending thesis assignment for a class or degree.

Ex. "Stop being such a thesissy, James! Your thesis isn't due for another 2 months, of course you have time to meet us for a drink. You can't just cower in your closet and sob all day... like last semester."

Friday, October 14, 2011


Single + Gal + Gallivant

1. to wander about town looking for diversion or excitement with your fellow single (usually drunk) females.

Ex. Sally and her BFF's had fashioned their nautical themed pashminas into some rockin' minidresses and couldn't wait to singallivant around Manhattan in them during Fleet Week. "Land ho[e]!" indeed, sailors.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Viagra + Aggravated

1. to become annoyed, irritated and/or angry due to an inability to alleviate one's medication-induced erection.

Ex. Bob reached for an Advil but mistakenly popped the Viagra he'd planned to take hours later when his wife returned home. He spent the next four hours storming around the house, cursing the damn thing and furiously trying to find uses for "it" like popping bubblewrap and operating his touchscreen phone.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Esperanto + Rant

1. to exclaim, blather or speak excitedly in a language completely foreign to the listener.

Ex. "Listen lady, I dunno what you're esperanting about but I really don't want to call my manager over - I'm already on probation. Take some extra fries, er, 'los fry-o's.'"

Monday, October 10, 2011


Hangover + Overt

1. Having a physical or mental state that makes it blatantly obvious how incredibly drunk you were the previous night
(and possibly still are).

Ex. "Did you see how hangovert Will was during this morning's meeting? He reeked of cheap vodka and I swear I watched his cheeks fill with his own vomit before he swallowed it back down. So. Gross."

Friday, October 7, 2011


Pompous + Compensate

1. to attempt to mask one's inadequacies by acting knowledgeable or cool but instead appearing as a pompous @$$hole.

Ex. "Gil's been pompensating all night; his never-ending rant about the lacking supply of well-patterned pocketsquares on the island of Manhattan was quite obviously meant to distract us from staring at his weak chin. And you don't even want to know what he had to say about the canap├ęs."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Three Day Bleakend

[three dey bleek-end]
Three Day Weekend + Bleak

1. A three day break from the workweek which involves a holiday celebrating a depressing or dreary event.
2. A three day break from the workweek during which nothing fun is planned or happens.

Ex. "Man, this is a double whammy three day bleakend. I got a whole day off work to celebrate the genocide committed by Columbus and his homies but the grocery store was all out of Bud Light Lime! What 's the point of a day off with no B Double-L?!"

Today's portmanteau courtesy of Shak M.! Submit your own!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Foliage + Agitated

1. Feeling annoyed or disturbed as a result of the changing color of leaves. Psychologists speculate that it is associated events that trigger this reaction rather than the leaves themselves. Some examples include
endless discussions of leaf colors and ensuing, painful holidays.

Ex. "I'm so foliagitated whenever I'm in the office this time of year and subjected to my coworkers' fawning over the "gorgeous golds" and "rousing reds." Remind me to quit before Autumn rolls around again next year."

Monday, October 3, 2011


Ovary + Overreact

1. to react or respond more fervently than appropriate due to what is perceived to be a high level of estrogen coursing through one's veins. Appropriate usage applies to menstruating and thus justifiably moody females and more popularly in a figurative nature to lame, cowardly or weak males.

Ex. "Can you believe how Doug ovaryacted to his group evaluation by declaring that we were all just jealous of his wardrobe and then storming off to the nearest Pinkberry?"

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Commuter + Tennies

1. Comfortable shoes, often sneakers, worn between home and work but which you wouldn't be caught dead in at the office. Also useful for running away in the event of a mutiny during the workday.

Ex. "I ran into Melinda as she was walking from the subway to the office and she was clearly embarrassed to be caught in her commutennies. They were caked in about 25 years of baby and dog fluids."

Today's portmanteau inspired by Lael G.! Submit your own!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Burka + Awkward

1. uneasy or lacking comfort due to one's close proximity to a person wearing a burka.

Ex. "I always feel burkward when I see one. If it's really a Muslim lady under there that's cool but I'm terrified it's secretly some dude with a gun taking advantage of the burka's perfection as a disguise."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Whore + Forecast

1. to predict a person's future sexual promiscuity.

See: Toddlers and Tiaras, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding or any other reality show on TLC excluding Sister Wives.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Hebrew + Hubris

1. an excessive amount of pride resulting from one's Jewish heritage or one's association with Judaism; sometimes begetting
the subject's eventual demise.

Ex. "I don't care if Kendall's confirmation party is the same day as my bat mitzvah, who would miss out on my Swarovski-encrusted Star of David favors?!" Rachel's hebris overlooked the fact that Kendall's older sister was Kim Kardashian, a force infinitely more enticing to thirteen year old boys than sparkly Judaica.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Barnacle + Napkin

1. The small, square, crustacean-like napkin that constantly sticks to the bottom of your bar drink courtesy of condensation.

Ex. Eric was pulling out all the stops, really putting on the full court press and knew Jen was totally buying all the lines, jokes and negs he was throwing her way. It all came to a screeching halt when he lifted his Jack & Coke to his lips and found himself staring down a humiliating barnapkle. Game over.

Today's portmanteau courtesy of Nathan T.! Submit your own!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Snore + Chorus
noun, verb

1. The act or action of two or more members (human or non-human) of a household snoring in perfect or complementary unison, usually to the incredible annoyance and sleeplessness of the third party.

Ex. "Simon and Max had such a ridiculous snorus going last night. I tried rolling them both over but they just proceeded to the next verse."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Pup + Paparazzi

1. A social media "friend" who posts far more photos of their pet than one would desire or consider sane.

Omgggg Noodles' first nap!!!! how CUTE is she?!?! ObseSsSsSed!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011


Transvestite + Investigate

1. to dress as the opposite sex for the purpose of
acquiring additional information.

Ex. "Detective Mullaghmore, you truly went the extra mile by transvestigating in the Wall Street massage parlor case." Little did the Sergeant know, Mullaghmore was more than willing to participate since it meant he could finally don his new Louboutins in public.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Long underwear + Lingerie

1. Full-body undergarments meant to provide considerable warmth and simultaneously command sexual attention by employing the use of adornments including but not limited to: cheap lace, exo-corsets, strategically placed "entrances." Popular at
lumberjack camp brothels as well as in Wasilla, Alaska.

Ex. Sarah specifically picked the
lacey blue and green waffle longgerie hoping the nod to his favorite hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks, would get Todd's testosterone suitably flowing on their upcoming anniversary.